The Excavation

(Report from site XB-71; Coordinates: 37°45'0"N 122°26'1"W; Date: October 5, 4007)

We can see from the data
That Noe Valley Man
Had a strange obsession
About the feet.

Noe Valley Man
Had vibrating bricks
With protruding grids.
With electricity he would
Make them vibrate
Massaging the soles
Of his feet.

In this particular find
We can see that this man
Was named “Motorola”
And his wife “Nokia.”

Noe Valley Man
Loved grass between his toes.
He would congregate
In open grassy areas.
Likely, he would converse
About politics and philosophy
While walking.

Then he would stop
To bathe the soles of his feet
In metals basins
With fresh running water,
And likely ponder upon
His tall skyscrapers.

Later, he would go
To the foot-spa
And have his feet massaged
With pink knives
Made of plastic.

Other data collected
From the dig
Show that Noe Valley Man
Was fond of metal
In flat geometric shapes.
These decorated his streets
And might have had
Some religious significance.

They lined Church Street
Where the dessert carts
Of his cannibalistic religion
Rode on rails in front
Of his temple.

We can deduce
That Noe Valley man
Had a symbiotic affair
With small, furry,
Four-legged animals.
He worshipped them so
That he pushed them around
In plush wheeled carts,
And even carried them,
In a special nylon harness
Worn over his shoulders.
This particular one
Was named “McClaren”.

We can definitely conclude
That Noe Valley Man
Had a lesser relative
Called Smoking Man
Who lived in cages.
The cages were small
And lined with glass,
But had an opening
That faced the street
So they could be given
Food and drink,
And petted by
Passers-by.

Noe Valley Man
Had a strange affection
For hollow metal shells.
We think these too
Are religious artifacts
As they lined his streets.
Some think they were Altars
For cannibalistic sacrifice,
But many of our colleagues
Think they were merely
Works of art.

However,
We do know conclusively
That Noe Valley Man
Loved bit of gleaming metal
And had galleries
Filled with wire triangles,
Even though he hid his eyes
Behind lenses of dark plastic.
Of course, this explains
His obsession with his feet
And his eventual extinction.

Noe Valley Man
Could never see
Where he was going,
And thus frequently
Stubbed his toes,
Inevitably tripping
And breaking his neck.
Further, he could never
Fully communicate
With his eyes hidden
Behind that dark plastic.