So which is more Naive, thinking that love can make everything work out, or thinking that a person can get through a divorce without being bitter? I've known for years that the first is naive, and it was probably the most painful lesson of life, but I've never been married before, nor divorced. I never fooled myself by thinking the love would be enough for both of us, I'm too old to think that is true anymore. Our relationship was not perfect, but it was no less imperfect than any I've had before. But this sadness is getting bitter.

I don't really believe in comparing love and relationships in terms of better and worse; I just think they are all different because one is a different person in each of them. The love is different for every person I love. It was no different with her. It was completely different with her. I loved her in a way that I have never loved anyone. It was not a jealous love (I don't think that was mutual). It was not a possessive love. It was a love that took delight in knowing that there is such a sweet, funny, caring, loyal, and blatantly honest person in this world. She was (is) just wonderful. She never tried to control me or make me be something I'm not (well, for most of the time). If that were true of most women, I probably would have gotten married a long time ago. (I guess "unconditional love" is also bullshit?) She loved and accepted me for what I am, AND FOR ALL I AM NOT AND NEVER WILL BE, and that is a very powerful thing.

This is why I thought everything would work out between us. That, and maybe because I'm a bit older now; I figured our maturity would help us work out our problems. I was wrong. Everything changed. I can't count how many times we talked about it. It never got any better. I could list the reasons. I already have in my head, but that would be unfair to her, and certainly in bad taste. I thought it would work. I tried so hard, but we made each other miserable. Cupid misses, again.

I'm not sorry we broke up. I know it's the right decision, but it's funny how knowing that doesn't make it any easier to go through. It really just makes me very sad to think about it. There is just a sense of loss, with no way to recover. Just getting on with life is the only way; I keep telling myself to "let go" of everything, but I suppose that will happen only in the due course of "Darren's world" or whatever. Some people get over things very fast. Then there are people like me who are of the more brooding sort. I've always thought of people who get over things quickly as rather shallow, but whatever. Maybe they are lucky. So I just get sad when I think about it, and maybe the whole "letting go" thing is why I am writing this. I don't want (or deserve) any sympathy. I just want some kind of echo or whatever, some way of keeping track of everything. Maybe one day I'll look back and see how necessary it was to write this, how it is something far in the past. It's sad. I just want to get over it. This seems to be the only way, a recognition of time gone by; It's been three months since we've split up.

That's all for now.